Happy Birthday, Baby Doll!

I remember the day very vividly... not the day that you might first think of when wishing your daughter a happy birthday.  I speak of the day when I experienced for the first time the elation and joy that comes with reading those two little lines... the lines on a little test that represent a great deal of change to come.  That change was something that would affect my life in a way I never would have imagined at the time.   A few weeks thereafter, I excitedly went to my very first doctor's appointment where I was examined and was able to see that precious little peanut on the monitor.  Already a heartbeat.  There was something inside of me that was divinely created through the God-given power of  love & physical unity and the joy was indescribable.

Weeks continued to go by.  I excitedly started making plans for the little one's arrival.  I would continually have daydreams of the day I would finally hold him/her in my arms and that we would finally be a little family.  I experienced the typical symptom of morning sickness for what seemed to be a great deal of time.  As it began to subside and I began the second trimester, I felt it acceptable to start sharing the exciting news. Only a few days later, I woke up with no morning sickness... but one other symptom.  I just so happened to have my next scheduled appointment with the doctor later that morning, so I immediately called the office.  I remember sitting in that waiting room for what seemed to be an eternity- just hoping and praying that the outcome of this doctor's appointment would prove that everything was fine and that I was just overreacting.  I laid on the examination table and the doctor immediately went to do an ultrasound.  I could see the screen and things were not appearing as they did during the first appointment.  I saw the blank look on the doctor's face as I saw her try to formulate in her mind how she would tell me.... "There is no heartbeat.  I am so sorry."  She quickly left and I remember the beginning of the sobs from Greg and I that would not cease for many weeks.  My heart had been ripped from my chest, cut to pieces, and hurled to the floor. 

It was only the next day that the contractions came... physical evidences of the pain that existed in my heart.  PAIN.  It came with a fury and seemed to cease in between for what seemed to be only a moment.  I laid in my home with my husband wanting to give comfort and not knowing how to help.  I could see the pain and tears in his eyes as he saw me suffer.  For the next 11 hours he stayed by my side as I continued to bear what seemed to be this unbearable burden.  As the 11th hour proceeded (11th hour.... hmm.), the pain came with a ferocity and determination unlike the hours before.  I remember the feeling of wanting to give up, but not being able to do so.  It was so immense that I started to feel extremely light-headed.  Just as I was sure the lights were beginning to go out...... it was over in what seemed to be a rush of an instant.  All of the sudden there was the evidence of my heartbreak.  A teeny little body of a boy that was fully formed, but only 2 inches or so in length.  A body that was very real and once existed a spirit of our Heavenly Father's.  Greg and I held him as the tears and choking sobs continued.

It was a few months before we felt the inclination to try again.  Once again, 8 weeks along, and the dreaded symptom occured.  Several months later, I once again saw those two little lines, and this time I did not feel the rush of excitement that I had twice experienced, but a feeling of fear at having to go through all of this again.  The doctors kept reassuring me that it is common to miscarry your first and even second pregnancies and that I had no reason to worry.  I began to believe them.  I looked forward to my 12th week appointment as I was finally feeling better and no longer nauseous.  The examination proceeded and my doctor displayed that blank look....  He sent me to Salt Lake City for an ultrasound, where for the third time we would find out that we had again had our hopes and dreams crushed.  I went home fully expecting to have an experience of labor much like the first.  I did nothing but wait.  A week went by.... and then two.  One morning I went to my parent's business to help out and felt so extremely nauseous that I could not leave the restroom.  After the 12th time of vomiting, I finally gave up and went in my parents' house to rest.  After several hours the look on my face must have prompted my mom to take my blood pressure.  She called the doctor and I was told to immediately head to the ER.  Apparently my body was going into shock.  For some reason it was not expelling the fetus and just trying to react to it differently.  I immediately was scheduled for a D&C.

We had sent everything off for genetic testing and no one knew the reason for yet a 3rd miscarriage in a row.  A week later, I went to my family doctor for a follow-up and he said something to me that affected me greatly for the next few years.  He said that I should consider how many more times I am willing to go through this... that some women continually try with evident problems and never are able to carry to term.  That was it.  My hopes were crushed and I began to wonder if I would ever hold a baby of my own in my arms.  So I stopped trying.  I was unwilling to go through this ever again unless I had some sort of answer as to why I was not sustaining pregnancies.

It was 3-1/2 years later when we moved to Cache Valley that I once again saw those two lines.  I was immediately fearful and started scrambling to find a doctor that would be willing to see me right away.  I then thought of an OB/GYN Greg and I had met several months previously as we had leased some pasture from him for our horses.  He was a kind person, and one whom Greg seemed to have a connection.  I had no idea what his experience was or whether he would even have room in his practice to fit me in, but I felt strongly about him and called.  Just so happened that he had a great deal of experience with high risk pregnancies and we sat in his office for an hour asking & answering questions about my history and then putting together a game plan.  He suggested I take progesterone for the first 13 weeks and a baby asprin every day for the entire pregnancy.

I went to the dreaded 12 week appointment still feeling extreme amounts of morning sickness.  Knowing that it was probably just the progesterone I was taking, I still carried a small level of trepidation to the office.  May I express to you the feeling that rushed through my entire body as I looked at the monitor and for the first time in years saw the small evidence of life that we all take for granted... a small, yet so very wonderful heartbeat!  It was touching to see that the nurse and my doctor had tears in their eyes as they saw my husband and I bask in this joyful moment.  I think we stared at the screen watching the movements for nearly an hour.  I was so grateful to have finally found a doctor that seemed as determined to make this work for us as anyone I had ever met.  It was evidence that my Heavenly Father was helping my prayers to be answered through this man!
During my 18th week, I went in for what they call a quad-screen.  It's testing on the blood to detect certain genetic abnormalities.  Just as I was sure that all would come out with any further worry necessary, I received a phone call.  The results of the quad-screen showed higher levels than normal.  I was assured that many of these tests come back falsely abnormal, but that further testing would be necessary to ensure that all was well.  There was that fear again.  I had come so far only to find out that possibly something was again wrong.  Apparently when the levels come back high on this test, they suspect a genetic abnormality of the spinal column, Spinal Biffida.  My doctor knew my fear and made sure I was able to get into a specialist as soon as possible.  It was then that began the bi-weekly ultrasounds to monitor the growth and development of the fetus.  We were so grateful to hear that all seemed to be normal..... and that it was a little girl!

There were several other events that occurred during this pregnancy that were evidence to me that the Lord was protecting this child.  I had broken my wrist after being buck off of one of our mares (DON'T ask why in the world I rode a green-broke horse at 3 months pregnant.... I can't remember what was going through my head), and nothing had occured but needing a cast for a few weeks.  I also had had some considerable premature contractions in my 30th week, which was a concern of the specialists from the previous test results.  It was something that was continuously monitored for the remainder of the pregnancy.

Lo and behold, that despite the concerns of premature labor, I managed to approach and quickly pass my due date.  A week past that date went by and I remember feeling that it was the longest of my life.  My doctor was ready to induce if I wished and I was MORE than willing.  The time had finally come and we were on our way!  I laid in the hospital for 8 hours before they finally started the pitocin drip and it was yet another nine hours of that intense labor I had once felt a few years before... but with so much more joy and excitement.  At about 3:00 a.m. it was time to start pushing.  I was told that the better I pushed, the faster this would most likely go, so I pushed and pushed..... and pushed... and pushed.  Nearly 3 hours had passed and I was beyond exhausted.  My doctor was finally able to arrive and immediately upon examination determined that this kid was posterior and needed to be turned.  After her position had been corrected, it was only 5 minutes before the moment I had anticipated my entire life.  Greg delivered her and I couldn't even see her face before I saw my husband break down into uncontrollable sobs.  He held her up to his chest and I saw her lift her head and look into his face.  When he turned her for me to see, I was so overcome by her absolute beauty.  She was so much more beautiful than I ever could have imagined... and we were finally a family.

I immediately thought of the road we taken up to that point.  I appreciated so very dearly the trials I had gone through and how the immense heartache and pain had caused me to understand and so much more fully appreciate the joy that I felt at that moment.  I truly understood why there must be opposition in all things... because without the sorrow, we cannot experience true happiness.   

Laura Danielle Titus, Born April 13, 2006, 6:15 a.m.

    

 

    
So, Laura Danielle, on your birthday I want to let everyone know what it means to have you in our life.  You are the beacon of light that came to our family after years of heartfelt and tearful prayers.  We know now that we were simply being prepared for Heavenly Father to send us on of His choice spirits.  We know that all children born in these last days before the second coming of our Savior will face things that no other generation ever has.  You have striven to make good choices in your life, and I know that you have the strength to press on and be a witness of Him who has brought you to our family.  I am so proud to call you my daughter and love you more than you could possibly ever know.